October 28, 2009

talkin' smooth: 3rd place

another piece of kate voegele: 2nd place

A Fine Mess with Kate Voegele

chris had tea and susan was drinking

It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm. I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't come see me anymore," and stuff like how we shouldn't be together. She said, "I miss you." I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home." She did not open up her umbrella, I knew she wanted to share mine. I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go." Unwillingly, She opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She said she hadn't eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat. Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!" Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station, she said she would take the train back home. Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night. But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, "Let's go try the other train station." We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, , and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship. We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go. She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this." With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while, then she came back slowly with tears on her face. She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore." I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?" I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?" I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other. Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain wouldl go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Susan was still young, she shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years's feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start to loose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what I had in mind. The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence. I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself." She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside. She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down these last words.

what do you think about this story?

October 27, 2009

nak hummer !!

today was sucks

i cant find the reason why i'm moody. huh what a horrible day. i dont like this feelings. i cant describe what i feel. why am i like this? this feelings makes me think a lot. help help. help to find my way out.ARRGHH.

October 26, 2009

what i feel now

okay i know im a disaster . i like to do things without thinking. okay this is me . what my oppinion about guys is , hmm i dont know. haha. seriously just now after school i went home by bus rapid. then Afiq sukor sat besides me . he gave me like a bunch of jokes like budak sedikit up . haha . okaylah he's funny. he gave me this ceramah thinggy on opinion about girls in our age. bla bla bla . even im super sleepy , but all opinion about girls are right. so, what do i feel now is to find someone who is open minded and lebih matang . i felt really thank to AFIQ SUKOR for your ceramah hari isnin. to anybody who wants to attend you may proceed to his profil .haha.

October 6, 2009

i'm a girl acctually.haha

this is some notes about my uncoming PMR.

elin my Darling,
just do the best you can,
ingat ALLAH ingat success.

Izrin my daughter,
there is nothing impossible in this world.
what ever you do ,
i will always pray for your success.

Dear Izrin,
all the BEST for PMR.
we all have faith in you.
we always have faith in you.
i hope you will be the first in this family to get 8 A's

p/s : always remember law of attraction.
if you think you CAN, you CAN!

do the best!
make us proud!
face it like a war.
perang biar habis-habisan.

ME :
wow thanks guys, what i think from your hopes and pray are very important for me. i have a big responsible to hold. i know i CAN do the best as what akak said.yeah thats right. remembering ALLAH is also very important for me. ALLAH is where i ask and mengadu with. allah is the one who knows what i feel now and that i want for my future.i wish to have.nonono .i want 8 A's. i want flying colours. i know i can do this. selama 3 tahun belajar, hanya 2 jam untuk menentukan who am i.

PMR is coming

PMR is coming and im still having my PMS.
stress for me is common.
life without phone,
study in moment,
no need to worry,
my life barely perfect
everything in front and behind me
is all under control.

so,leave me alone.
frustrating,annoying plus peeving.
study sejarah is very unreal
my head can't absorb anything that comes with sejarah
and yet it's very hard for me to score.

#over react.

excited + nervous

okay,seriously what i wanna say right now is.mylife change.haha. i can't concentrate on study. PMR just around the corner. a bunch of subjects that i haven't ready yet still playing around.the only thing that makes me focus is locking myself in the room with radio and phone around.

the reason i don't want to go to school is i can't study. what im going to do is chit-chatting with friends.so,the conclusion is ponteng sekolah.

tomorrow cuti,so what should i do is.revising all the notes.i know im weak but it doesn't mean i can't strive for A's with all the effort i put. always remember the LAW OF ATTRACTION.thanks dad for giving me the tips.i hope its working.i can't pray.im having my PMS.very very bad.like what the hell, PMR tomorrow mehh.
seriously need a stack of pads in bags.

wish me luck for PMR yeahh!!!

izrin izelan,